What I've Been Reading (and feeling guilty about)

I've been reading THE CLASSICS, or at least trying to read the classics.  There are many books which I feel I should have read that I haven't yet.  I'm trying to make up for that.

Most of these books are available free on my Kindle.  Moby Dick and The Brothers Karamazov are two examples.  I'm trying to read both.

But I have to admit, I've bogged down in Moby, and I fear the same may happen in The Brothers.  My life is lived in short bursts of activity.  Not often do I have the time to just sit and read and concentrate and spend a good amount of time thinking about what I have read.

All these wonderful time saving devices in my house, and I have less time than ever.  Or so I tell myself.  Even when I may have the opportunity, I feel guilty for indulging myself.  I always feel like there is something else I should be doing.

I should repaint the trim in my house.

There is a lot that could be done in the yard.

There are all kinds of projects I could be doing at the farm.

I need to go visit family more.

I should be spending more time with my kids.

I need to be working on my novel.

I should be doing more to find a job and help support my family.

Please don't think these reasons are in order of importance.  They just occur to me in random order, so I wrote them that way.

One day last week, I didn't feel well.  It started as a minor stomach thing, but was exacerbated by the fact that I didn't have any coffee in the house.  If I don't get my dose of caffeine in the morning, bad things happen.  That day, I somehow lost the drive to do anything else except read.  I read all of The Moon and Sixpence by Somerset Maugham.  If you haven't read him, you should.  Particularly The Razor's Edge.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Between bouts of napping my way through a migraine and reading, the entire day got away from me.  Of course, guilt set in later, but I did enjoy myself.  I just needed the excuse of not feeling well to avoid the guilt long enough to read.

I need to read more.  Before life became so complicated, I read so much.  When I was a teenager, when I was in the Army, when I was in college, I read so much.  For anyone who thinks all their time is being absorbed by high school or college or the military, you have no idea.  Have a family.  Have a home.  Even without a job, I have no time.  I always stay busy.  There is something about the age I am, and my circumstances, that makes me feel guilty when I do things by myself which I enjoy.

My Lack of Gratitude for Where I Am Now

Sadly enough, the first thing that hits me when I wake up each morning is the fact that I don't have a teaching job.  I wake up, and there is that moment.  And then the moment of disgust with myself for my own self-pity. I then get up, get my children around to go to their summer day camp, pack their lunches, get myself ready for my day, and take them there.  Or sometimes my wife takes them.

I really don't think self-pity in my situation is appropriate.  What I should feel is gratitude.  I have a job.  In many ways, it's a good job.  I go in at a time that is convenient for me.  I work on days that are convenient for me.  I am making a monetary contribution to my household, albeit not a very large one.

On days when I don't go to that job, I go help a friend remodel his house.  I get to spend the day with people I like, and I get to learn new skills.  While this endeavor doesn't make a monetary contribution to the household, it has allowed me to replace the carpet in my house (badly needed) in exchange for my labor.  Very nice carpet, too.

And I have the opportunity to do what I have always said I wanted to do.  The flexibility of my schedule allows me to write.  I am not emotionally or creatively drained by either job.  In fact, they seem to be inspiring me on some levels.  I'm writing a novel, and it is going well.  I like it.

My future is uncertain, and I don't like that.  But everyone's future is uncertain.  The uncertainty in mine is just a little more apparent.

Will I get my novel published?  I don't know.  Will I ever be allowed the opportunity to teach again?   I don't know.

I need to concentrate on what I do know, not on what I don't.  I know my wife loves me and supports me.  I know I have more time for my kids now.  I know that writing makes me happy.  I know that there are people in my life who believe in me and value me.

I read today about some of the tenets of Eastern religion and philosophy.  We should not concentrate on the product of our efforts, but on our efforts themselves.  Success and failure are in many ways not in our control, and are actually only a matter of perception.  The only thing we can control is what we do and how well we do it, and we should approach what we do with a certain level of dispassion in order to ensure the quality of our work.  This goes against much of what we learn in the west.  We are told to do things passionately.  There are drawbacks to this.  One of those is our reaction to failure.

I'm afraid that failure is inevitable.  I will fail.  But failure is not the end.  Failure is an opportunity to learn.  Too much emotional investment will result in not gaining all lessons to be learned from that failure, or lessons learned too late.

Maybe this novel will never see the light of day.

A certain quote makes more sense to me now.  I am not trying to be published.  What I am doing is writing.  Publication is not the goal.  Writing well is the goal.  The quote I refer to is, "Do or do not.  There is no try."

I will continue to apply for teaching jobs.  This is something I can do.  I can't control the outcome, but I can continue to do this.

I will continue to write.  And I will submit my writing for publication.  This, too, is something I can do.

And I thank everyone who helped create this opportunity for me, no matter the role, up to and including my own.