Oh, wait. That's what Facebook is for. And texting.
Well, okay, most people (aside from young adults and certain people that most of us will eventually unfriend due to the ongoing drama in their lives) simply don't maintain that kind of communication. So we don't know one another. And even those that do publish their lives on Facebook moment by moment are still giving a very subjective narrative about themselves. If we even bother to read their posts, we can only hope we are reading between the lines correctly.
I have friends on Facebook I haven't seen in twenty years. They picture me as they knew me then. Even those who have known me more recently may not know where I am now and what I am like. I would like to think that I am constantly changing, constantly trying to be a better person than I was yesterday. But just because I would like to think that is true, it may not be. I may be worse. But I can state with some confidence that I am not the person I was five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago...more.
Significant events in our lives change us.
A short list of events in my life which have profoundly changed me, and what I think about them:
At age 23, I quit drinking alcohol.
I had a problem. I quit. I have had people tell me they admire me for that, or respect that. In all truth, it was a matter of necessity. Drinking is bad for some people; drinking the way I did was very, very bad for me. If I hadn't quit, I probably would have died. I'm surprised I didn't.
I appreciate that people admire me for quitting, but the truth is, I took the easy way out. I read an excellent quote on abstinence which sums up completely my feelings on that. St. Augustine said, "Abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." Abstinence from alcohol, tobacco, any addictive substance, is hard to implement, but easy to maintain. Moderation, on the other hand, is easy to implement, but difficult to maintain. Over the long haul, I took the easy way out. I can maintain abstinence from alcohol. I admire people who can maintain moderation.
At age 30, I was married.
Marriage required me to adjust the way I communicate. I'm still prone to say what is on my mind, but marriage taught me to wait for the correct time, and to carefully consider my phrasing. Many of you that knew me as a younger man probably recognized that at the time I was going to have my say no matter what anyone else thought.
Now I am more careful, because I do care what at least one other person thinks. When I am having a serious conversation, I am prone to very long pauses so I can say what I mean in a way that will mean something to the person to whom I am speaking. My wife has told me that some people might not be sure if they like me because I don't talk much, and people tend to distrust that. Can you imagine me being that way?
At age 33, I had my first child.
My time alone decreased yet again. This was the first experience in my life where it was mandatory that someone else's needs came before my own. In most relationships, the other person's needs can often wait, or they can attend to themselves to a certain degree. It doesn't work that way with kids. There is only right now.
At age 35, I was fired from my first job.
I had a very good job on a monetary scale. I hated the job, and it wasn't good for me, but it allowed me to provide very well for my family. Getting fired from that job was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. It caused me to experience financial distress due to the number of bills we had built up in our pursuit of the insanely acquisitive American dream, but it also allowed me to conceive of a world where I didn't dread going to work every day, a world in which I could be happier on a daily basis. My subsequent jobs weren't much better, but I realized they were only jobs.
At age 40, I elected to go into teaching.
I made the decision, but I had my doubts. Turns out I loved most aspects of teaching. The students, the interaction, the inner growth that I experienced as a teacher. I looked forward to most days at school. I made a true discovery that most people, even the unruliest of students, can be talked to in a one on one situation and reasoned with. I learned so much about language, and people, and myself. I found a calling that would allow me to be happy. Aristotle said, "All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind." I found one that didn't, or at least one that didn't degrade my mind as quickly as my previous jobs. But...
At age 43, I was fired again.
Why was I fired? It wasn't lack of enthusiasm for the job. It wasn't due to a lack of ability. It certainly wasn't anything tawdry or scandalous. The truth of the matter is, I don't know why. The administration gave only hints. I think the closest thing to the truth was that my philosophies and those of the administration were not compatible. Funny how sometimes the vaguer things are, the closer to true they become. But the effect of this termination on my personality is still yet to be determined. I'm still not at ease in my mind with where I am on this. One way it has definitely affected me is to make me more compassionate towards others who have experienced or are experiencing failure. And it has made me more accepting of and grateful for my own failures. We fail today so that we learn how to fail better tomorrow. I think when we say someone is an unqualified success, we do them a disservice. To be truly admirable, success must overcome failure.
Me at 45.
We are all the product of our pasts. Here's a little of mine. Of course, this is a subjective look at myself and my experiences. Is there any other way? There is no doubt that you know me better now if you have read this far. Later today I may post on Facebook about my experience at Wal-mart, or something I cooked for dinner. That won't tell you much about me. But the drama? I'll leave that to the younger people, I think.
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