Conception of a Failure

I have not blogged in some time. Sometimes emotions are so strong that they are difficult to express. So much has happened since I last blogged.

I did not get a job I was expecting to get. This put me in a bad place emotionally. I conceived of myself as a total failure. I have failed to contribute monetarily to my family. I am a drain on our limited resources. I questioned my worth to my family and my own self-worth.

Then I went to Wyoming.

Ostensibly, I was there to dig a dinosaur. A triceratops, to be exact. And I did that. But I also was there for another reason. I thought I was gaining a temporary reprieve from my problems, from what I perceived to be my failures.

That wasn't necessarily the case.

When we arrived, the country was wide open. At first glance there was no where to hide. No trees. Little vegetation at all. But in truth, there were a lot of little arroyos and washes, dips and canyons. But there was no where to hide from the sky.

I did a bad thing.

From Tuesday to Friday, I shut down all communication with anyone who was not with us at the dig. This was not fair to my wife and kids. I tried to lose myself in the work. Instead, the work inspired me to more deeply consider my position. Under that big sky, in the glaring sun and the punishing wind, I had some realizations.

1)While I had control of my actions that resulted in my current state, I did not have the final say so. I can't say if I was treated fairly or unfairly, but the honest truth was I did the best I could. In the end, the decisions belonged to someone else. That applied to both the non-renewal of my contract and my inability to gain a new position. Put it behind me.

2) All of my emotional energy and efforts the past two years have gone into getting a teaching position in public schools. Public schools did not treat me well as a student, and while I have changed a lot since those days, I am not sure why I expected the secondary educational system to have changed enough to accommodate me as an adult. I hoped to work within the system to make it friendlier for students such as I had been. There is always resistance to change.

3) While I had been mostly happy as a teacher, the last two years have been an emotional hell. It's not worth it. If someone offered me a teaching job tomorrow, I would take it, but after having expended so much effort, I think it is time to look in other directions.

4) I can be happy doing other things. It is time to explore those avenues. I met two gentlemen in Wyoming who have achieved their happiness outside the system. One gentleman hunts fossils and plays poker for a living. The other is a ski instructor and an ESPN camerman in the winter for college sports in Montana and hunts fossils in the summer. They aren't just making a living. They are living. While I have a family to think about, my wife has an income that will keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. I have some interests I can pursue that will make me happy: assisting in exploring the geology of our karst region. Teaching as an adjunct at the college level. Writing. And other opportunities may present themselves. I must remain open to them. I have been focused so hard on the idea that I have failed a teacher that I have failed as a human being.

5) I can be a better husband and father. My emotional state has had me very wrapped up in myself. I can extend myself more. I have an opportunity to spend more time with my kids, to do more for my wife. I can't tie my self-worth to situations I have little control over. But I can be a better father and husband.